TEXT WRITTEN BY ALISSA BENNETT
*If you wish to re-print or quote from sections of the monologue, please credit author Alissa Bennett.
*And if you wish to re-print the full monologue you must receive permission from author Alissa Bennett.
KATHLEEN: ...twins, but there were two of them anyway, and everybody knows that. You
have to imagine what it would feel like to be totally abandoned, right? Like
what would it be like to watch everything you ever believed in fall away from
you so far that you're even, um, separate from yourself, and the part that
used to be all of you just becomes so unreal that you can't even remember
what it used to feel like to be inside of yourself anymore. I mean, you'd
probably do it too, right? Unless you're one of those people who thinks that
committing suicide means that you have to, like, roam the Earth for the rest
of time dragging a bunch of chains on your ankles or some crap like that.
It's the whole waiting part, and i mean, what if the only thing you had
left to wait for was for the future to turn back in to the past? It would be
like watching who you are and who you were collide right in front of your
face, right? It's like when you see pictures of your mom from before you
were born, and all you can think about is how weird it is to be both there
and not there, like, alone and together all at the same time.
Some people can sense when the future is going to fail them, like, they
know when to cut things off cause they can see that everything's gonna fall
apart, and they can see how something that hasn't even happened yet is going
to be the punishment for forever, and she's not any different, she's like
that too- . Sometimes, if I concentrate, I think that it could have been
from being left alone in that room though, cause it's like the weight of her
own voice just got too heavy for her to carry around anymore, so she just
kind of left it. i'm sure it was pretty, um, lonely, but I guess she knew
that the only way that people were ever gonna remember her was if she found a
way to try and make them forget, you know, "I'm gonna erase myself and you're
gonna find me everywhere."
In one motion, you can change the course of the future- you can derail
history by deleting yourself from it, and everybody knows that. I'm gonna do
the opposite though, cause i want to watch that collision. Sometimes you can
remember places you've never been or people who you've never met, and I know
that better than anyone, but I don't need to look at that picture of my mom
anymore because I already know that I'm real.